For some reason I thought that parenting Moses would get easier as he got older. I thought that we would get things figured out in the early years and then just roll right along without so many bumps in the road.

I was wrong.

Here we are 7 years in, and I feel like the last year has been the hardest of them all.

Navigating preschool was easy. Navigating elementary school is hard, and that’s with have an amazing IEP team at his school. I hate to think what it’s like for parents who don’t have the support that we do. And this is only his second year. I felt like getting 1st grade started was harder than the whole of Kindergarten, so I’m already apprehensive about the coming years. 

He’s still not talking super clearly. His speech is improving for sure, but there’s still so many times that I have to ask him to “say it again” or just nod and say “okay”. And then I feel horrible when he’s clearly frustrated that I didn’t understand him.

He’s had some weird medical things going on. Thankfully none of it has been serious, but having to make multiple trips to doctors has added another challenge to deal with.

At the end of the summer, I broke down when my husband asked me about what trip we might do next and told him that I would rather just stay home. Between having to watch him constantly because he will wander off in the blink of an eye and making sure that he’s getting to do things he enjoys and trying to figure out what exactly that is, I was mentally and emotionally exhausted even thinking about taking him to the local park let alone on a trip somewhere. 

By the time school started back this August, I was crying tears of relief and guilt. Relief that I was getting to go back to work and getting a break from being a full time mom, and guilt from feeling like I needed a break from being his full time mom.

For the first time I found myself asking God, “Why me? Why did you think I was the best person to be his mom?”

One day this summer, another mom told me that it gets easier. I know it was meant to comfort me, but it didn’t. It still doesn’t. I don’t know that being Moses’ mom will ever be easy. Maybe it would be easier if I accepted “good enough” or “that’s just the way things are”. But good enough isn’t always good enough. The way things are isn’t always what’s best for him. And God didn’t make me to be one to sit by and not say anything. 

So I’ll get up tomorrow morning and do my best for him again. I’ll keep advocating for him and speaking up for him and working to change what needs to be changed for him and for others with developmental disabilities. And then I’ll do it again the day after that and every day of my life. Because that’s what he deserves.

Maybe that’s why God chose me. Because he knows that I love him with every ounce of my being. And he knows that I will always fight for my son. For both of my kids.

I know that I’m not on this journey alone. Sometimes I feel like I am, so I have to remind myself that God did not put me on this path to walk it alone. I’m grateful to have my husband walking beside me through these challenging times. I’m grateful for the people who listen and try to understand what I’m going through. I’m grateful for their encouragement and support. I’m grateful for the people who are willing to make changes where they are needed.

Maybe it will get easier at some point when he’s older. Right now, it’s just hard.

I’ve hesitated to share this because I’m not looking for pity or a pat on the back. I almost didn’t share it for that reason. But then I remembered why I started writing and sharing about the ups and downs of my life in the first place…to help others know that they’re not alone. I know I’m not the only person who is going through a hard season. I’m not the only person who is struggling to find joy in the journey or keeping faith that this is part of God’s plan and His plan is always good. As always, I hope that by sharing my story, I might be able to help someone else.