Tag: Mental Health

God’s Delight

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Last Christmas, I was looking on Amazon for a couple of books for Josie and Moses when I came across one title “When God Made You” by Matthew Paul Turner. On the cover is a beautiful little girl who looks like she’s in the middle of a free fall. Her arms are spread wide, her eyes are closed, and she has a hint of a smile on her face. She looks like a little girls who is confident that she is safe and loved.

More than anything I want Josie to grow up knowing that she is so loved and that her dad and I do everything we can to keep her safe. (One of us would actually wrap her in bubble wrap and make her wear a helmet every day if he could.) Since Moses was born, I am very aware of the extra attention he sometimes requires, especially when it comes to his health and safety. Because I know Josie hears a lot of the conversations that center around him, I make an intentional effort to make sure she knows we care just as much about her being healthy and safe. When I saw this book, I thought it would be a great way to remind her not only of that but also what a beautiful child of God she is.

When we read this book for the first time, I wasn’t prepared to get choked up reading it. At least not for the reason I did.

The book starts out with exactly the kind of message I wanted Josie to hear:

“You, you, when God made YOU, God made you all shiny and new.

An incredible you, a you all your own, a you unlike anyone else ever known.“

The book continues to explain how perfectly and beautifully God created this little girl (and my little girl) to be exactly the way He wanted her to be.

And then a few more pages into the book, I read the words:

“You, you, when God sees you, God delights in what is and sees only what’s true.

That you – yes YOU – in all of your glory, bring color and rhythm and rhyme to God’s story.”

That’s when I felt a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. Not because those words are true for Josie and Moses and every child God creates, which they absolutely are.

It was because those words are true for me, too.

Even though I’m a 40-year-old mother of two who feels tired, frustrated, and downright cranky more often than not, God sees ME.

And not only does he SEE me, He DELIGHTS in me!

I don’t know where along the road of life that I forgot that no matter how old I am or how cranky I may get sometimes, God knows the true me and loves me. And not only that, He delights in me!

There’s something about knowing that I can delight God simply by being the me He intended me to be – the same way my children delight me every day just by being themselves – that makes me feel lighter. That puts a smile on my face and warmth in my heart.

I have found that I do have to remind myself that the me He delights in is the me that He created me to be:

“…a giver who lives with all heart, soul, and mind.

A dreamer who dreams in big and small themes, one who keeps dreaming in journeys upstream.

…

A confident you, strong and brave, too.”

There’s something about being reminded of God’s delight, in addition to His love, that makes me want to be the best me I can be every single day. It helps me when I start to experience those all too familiar thoughts of self-doubt:

“Am I doing enough?”

“Am I too emotional?”

“Am I talking too much?”

“Is my laugh too loud?”

“Do people really like being around me?”

“Should I have kept those thoughts to myself?”

Knowing God made me with the exact personality traits He knew I would need to do His work, and that he finds it delightful when I am using them to do His work, gives me the strength and courage to push those thoughts away and keep going.

It seems like for some of us, as we get older (and possibly crankier), when we hear things like “children of God”, we think only of the chronologically young people. It does us so much good, though, to remember that no matter how old (or cranky) we get, we are always included in that phrase.

“‘Cause when God made you, somehow God knew, that the world needed someone exactly like you.”

Three Hundred Eighteen Days

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Almost a year ago, three hundred eighteen days to be exact, I shared about reaching my breaking point. Physically, mentally, and emotionally I was exhausted. I was burned out from investing too much time and energy into people and things outside of myself and not consistently investing enough quality time and energy in myself.

I didn’t get to that place overnight, and I knew that getting back to a place of health – physically, mentally, and emotionally – would take time. Sure, I could have gone to my doctor and asked for an increase in my antidepressant medication, and I’m sure that would’ve “helped”. However, deep down I knew that what I was experiencing wasn’t depression (although it was definitely part of it), and putting the band-aid of more medication wasn’t going to get down to the root of the issues I was experiencing.

There was no magic formula I followed to improve my overall health. I didn’t follow a particular program or introduce anything radically new into my life (other than planning to take a leave of absence from work which got the Covid-wrench thrown into it). Instead I found that what I needed was already in my life…I just needed to utilize my time, energy, and resources differently.

First off, I prayed. A lot. I’m not just talking saying a few extra Our Fathers. There were a lot of big conversations between God and me happening. Some of them were a lot of me asking “Why?” about a multitude of different things; others were of the begging nature in which I pleaded with him to just make it all go away and show me the fast, easy road back to “normal”; then there were the ones in which I surrendered to Him and just asked Him to hold me because I couldn’t hold myself up any longer. 

The weekend before I was supposed to begin my leave of absence, I was invited by a couple of friends to join them in a 40-day yoga and personal growth challenge. Through that, I did find that doing yoga daily helped me improve my physical health. I don’t know if you’ve ever done yoga, but some of those poses are hard. And then you have to hold them for forever. Even though I wanted to give up pretty much every day in the beginning, I stuck with it and found myself getting stronger and not hating all the hard poses so much. I also found that my mental health was improving from both the nature of yoga and being focused as well as being pretty proud of my progress.

Sleep became a priority. I found a sleep app that tracked not only how long I slept but also how much light and restful sleep I got. I have learned that: a) I feel best when I get 7 hours of restful sleep; b) too much alcohol before I went to bed decreases my restful sleep; c) exercise typically increases my amount of restful sleep; d) not enough sleep usually mean I’m not going to be as peppy and patient throughout the next day; e) the less sleep I get directly affects my eating habits the next day (and not in a healthy way). Overall, I learned that sleep is essential to my overall health.

I started watching The Office. As a school counselor, I have learned about the science behind how laughter affects the brain and can improve your mood and mental health, which is why I knew that if I was going to watch something, it had to be my kind of funny. Michael, Dwight, Jim, Pam, Stanley, and the rest of the crew at Dunder Mifflin are my kind of funny!

With the help of my husband and my counselor, I began to reconcile with things from my past that were still affecting me even though I thought I had put those people and things behind me. I learned the true meaning of forgiving and letting go of the pain of the past. I learned how to finally forgive myself for the hardships and the mental and emotional pain I had inflicted upon myself and endured from others.

I rediscovered the importance of not comparing myself to others. Although I am nowhere near the perfectionist I once was, I still fell into the trap of comparing myself to other women in various ways – physically, spiritually, intellectually, professionally, etc. I stopped following people and groups on social media that served to be a source of unhealthy comparison rather than positive inspiration.

I experienced the beautiful power of relationships. Throughout my life, I have had the opportunity to meet and know some truly amazing people, and firmly believe in the idea that people have come into my life for “a reason, a season, or a lifetime”. I have been especially thankful for the people in my life who have supported me and cheered me on during this turbulent season of life. These people have helped me to remember who I am and who I wanted to get back to being. For their love, support, and encouragement, I am forever grateful.

Finally, and most importantly, I was patient with myself. As fantastic as it would’ve been if I had woken up after the end of the first week or even the first month, thrown off the covers, and announced, “I’m baaaack! All better!”, that didn’t happen. Sometimes it seemed like I was moving backwards and sometimes I felt like I wasn’t moving at all towards feeling better. Then there were the “A-HA!” moments and days that I could feel myself moving forward that helped me to know I was on the right track. There were the glimpses of the “me” that I had been missing that motivated me to keep working.

Three hundred eighteen days and counting. (Because I’m working every day to maintain my progress…I haven’t put in all this work to go back to where I was!)

Why have I worked so hard to gain control over my overall health for the last three-hundred eighteen days?

Simple. (Kind of.)

I did it for me.

Because I deserve it. I deserve to feel good physically, mentally, and emotionally. Because God didn’t create me to lead a life of sadness, hopelessness, frustration, and gloom. Taking care of myself – mind, body, and soul – has helped me to love who I am again. It’s helped me to be a much better wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, and advocate. Taking care of myself benefits everyone in my life. 

I know that I’m not alone in feeling lost, alone, unhappy, burned out, etc. My hope for anyone reading this thinking, “Where do I start?” Start where you’re at. Make today your Day 1. Your journey will most likely look very different from mine, but you’ll never know what yours looks like until you start. Once you start, take it day-by-day, hour-by-hour, minute-by-minute. You’re worth every second.     

Finding Forgiveness

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On March 17, what was supposed to be the first day of my leave of absence, I drove up to Ste. Genevieve to meet my sister to get a playhouse for the kids from her and to just spend some time with her. Usually when I’m driving by myself, I have the radio on, the volume turned up, and I sing as loudly and out-of-tune as I please. However, on this drive, I ended up listening to a Catholic radio station. I can’t remember what was on when I first started listening, but what came on next ended up being the starting point on my path of healing and recovery from the icy waters I kept finding myself falling into.

I can’t tell you if the person on the radio was a priest or a guest speaker or what, but whoever it was, he started talking about forgiveness. He spoke about what forgiveness is and what it’s not. About how important forgiveness is to our own mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical well-being. Honestly, most of what he said were things I had heard before. (Although, I did learn that there’s an International Forgiveness Institute and thought that it was pretty interesting.)

As I listened to the speaker go on about forgiveness, the names of different people who had hurt me somehow started popping into my head. As I would think of what I had gone through with each one, I found myself getting angry and feeling hurt all over again. This surprised me a bit because I thought I had forgiven those people and moved on. Clearly, that was not the case.

Coincidentally, just a few days earlier, Tyson had shown me a website he had found with prayers for healing that he thought may help me. I scrolled through the page and saw some prayers that seemed fitting to what I was experiencing, some that didn’t, and an emotional healing exercise at the end of the page. The exercise was all about forgiveness, letting go of people and/or experiences that had hurt you, and finding peace. Some of those same people had come to mind then, too.

Back to the person on the radio, as I listened to him talk about how giving and receiving forgiveness looks different for different people and different situations, I realized that for some people, I hadn’t fully forgiven them. I had said the words in my mind, but they hadn’t reached my heart. Thinking back to the emotional healing exercise, I knew that was something I needed to do for myself.

I wish I could say that when I got home that afternoon, I immediately got to work and felt better by that evening. In reality, it took me about a week to feel ready to do the exercise because the first thing you had to do was go back. Go back and feel the hurt, sadness, heartache, disappointment, anger, shame, and guilt that I thought I had let go of but had apparently just pushed down.

Here’s a basic rundown of how the exercise works:

  • You begin by writing a letter to the person telling him/her how angry you are at them for hurting you. You write all the ugly parts of what you experienced with that person and describe how you felt and tell him/her that you are angry at them for that. You tell them how it affected you then and now. You tell them what you wish had been different.
  • Next, you write a letter to yourself from that person apologizing for the way he/she treated you and acknowledging that you did not deserve to be treated like that. You write the words you need to hear from that person.
  • After that letter, you write a prayer. In your prayer, you release the person into the Lord’s hands. You pray for Jesus to wash away the negativity left by the relationship with that person.
  • Finally, you write a letter to yourself from God. You let him tell you what you need to hear from him.

After I finished going through the exercise the first time, I could not believe how amazing I felt. It’s hard to describe the lightness I felt in my mind and in my heart. Yes, it was hard to revisit the pain of the past, but it was also necessary to find this peace in the present. Each time I completed the exercise for a different person and experience, I felt so much relief in the end.

While none of the letters were easy to write, the one that was the hardest was to myself. Writing about the ways in which I had contributed to the hurt and pain I had gone through that was weighing me down so heavily was extremely difficult and even mortifying at times. But to be able to finally forgive myself for all that – especially the guilt and shame I felt for allowing others to hurt me and for hurting others – I had to do it. And I’m so glad I did.

Once again, God knew what I needed. Forgiveness, for myself or anyone else, was not a part of my plan to heal and restore my mental and emotional well-being. Thankfully, God knew that finding forgiveness was exactly where I needed to start.

Change in Plans

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A month ago today, March 17, was supposed to be the first day of a voluntary three week leave of absence from my work. After finally recognizing I was in the throes of burnout in various areas of my life, I made the decision to take the time to rest and restore myself to a place mentally, emotionally, and physically so that I could find a way back to being the person I wanted to be.

Burnout is one of the things that we are taught to watch out for when entering into the field of school counseling. This is one of the best descriptions I have found for burnout:

Burnout is a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. It occurs when you feel overwhelmed, emotionally drained, and unable to meet constant demands. As the stress continues, you begin to lose the interest and motivation that led you to take on a certain role in the first place.

Burnout reduces productivity and saps your energy, leaving you feeling increasingly helpless, hopeless, cynical, and resentful. Eventually, you may feel like you have nothing more to give.

HelpGuide, 2019

I found an online burnout self-test, and when I took it over a month ago, my score was 59 out of 75. Based on that score, I was at “severe risk of burnout” and encouraged to do something about it “urgently”. The next level would have been “very severe risk” as opposed to “severe”. I also filled out a compassion fatigue questionnaire and scored at-risk on it, too.

There was a time in my life where I would have looked at my scores and thought, “Oh, you’re okay. You only scored 59. If you were really burned out, you’d score 75. Maybe you’re not working hard enough.” Like many others, I had been conditioned to wear stress like a badge of honor. That if I wasn’t filling every second of my day with something productive, then I was lazy. That while I might be going through a hard time, others were going through even harder times so I should suck it up and quit whining.

Thankfully, in my 39-year-old wisdom, I was able to recognize that I had to stop going down the path I was on. Actually, I don’t know if it was wisdom so much as exhaustion – mental, emotional, and physical exhaustion. Either way, I was able to recognize that I was not okay and that I needed a break. A break that would allow me the time to figure out what was going on, how to handle it, and work on creating new habits for both my personal and professional life.

So I made a plan.

As I have often found throughout my 39 years on this Earth, when I plan, God laughs.

Actually, I don’t think He laughs. I think He shakes His head and says, “That’s not quite what I had in mind.” And then the whole “Thy will be done” thing comes into play.

Here’s how it happened:

  • February 26: I hit bottom. That’s the morning I woke up and thought to myself, “I can’t do this today.” I ended up taking two days off work.
  • March 4: I spoke to my husband and then principals about taking some time off of work. A three week leave of absence was scheduled to begin on Tuesday, March 17 and I would return to work on Monday, April 6. During my time off, I was going to go to church, get a physical, see my counselor, go to the dentist, read, write, exercise, get good sleep, clean, get a skin cancer check. I couldn’t wait.
  • March 5 – 13: I got my last rounds of classroom lessons in for my students and teachers. Some small groups were met with one last time and arrangements were made for other small groups to continue in my absence. Practice MAP tests were ready to go for 3rd & 4th grades. I met with some of the students I saw on a regular basis to make sure they were well-equipped for my hiatus.
  • March 15: While at my parents for an early St. Patrick’s Day dinner, rapid updates were coming in about steps being taken, including school closures, to combat the spread of the coronavirus in Missouri. The reality that I wasn’t going to get the leave of absence I desperately needed and wanted began to hit me and panic began to set in. As I drove my family home that evening, I felt defeated. I drove home in silence. When I went to bed that night, I cried. I’m talking about full-body sobs. The hope I had been carrying that I was actually going to get better was gone.
  • March 16: My school district announced that schools would be closed beginning Tuesday, March 17 through Friday, April 3. Classes were to resume on Monday, April 3.
  • March 17: I spent the day at home. With my children.
  • March 19: My day was spent at school preparing for distance learning.
  • March 20: I spent the morning running errands, stocking up on food and supplies, and beginning to experience real anxiety about the reality of how the coronavirus could affect my family, especially Moses.
  • March 27: My school district announced the school closure was extended through April 15.
  • April 9: Governor Parson announced that public schools will remain closed through the end of the school year.
  • April 17: We’ve settled into somewhat of a routine here at home. We are muddling through homeschooling two preschoolers at best. The children are living their best lives. We may not be able to convince them to go back to school, whenever that may be.

During this month, I have been able to take time for myself to rest and find some peace mentally, emotionally, and physically. I took the online burnout self-test again today and my score is now 46, which indicates I’m still at risk of burnout and that I still have work to do. But it also shows that I’m on the right track.

This last month definitely hasn’t gone the way I envisioned on so many different levels. Again, my plans and God’s plans don’t often seem to mirror each other. Thankfully, I learned to let go of my plans and trust in His a long time ago. Even though I still don’t understand why this has worked out the way it has, I trust that one day I will understand and maybe even be grateful.

Falling Through the Ice

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I’ve been trying to figure out how to describe what the last two days have felt like. As I was putting things away, it finally came to me.

For me, going through life is like walking on a frozen lake. There are times when the ice is thick and solid, and I can walk with confidence. Then that step comes and you hear the crack. Sometimes it’s so soft it’s barely noticeable and it creates the smallest of lines. Other times it is thunderously loud and the break in the ice comes quickly and forcefully.

Over the years, there have been times that the ice breaks enough that my foot goes through and into the icy water. There have been times where I’m able to step over the crack and find my way back to solid ice with reasonable ease. Sometimes, the crack is so small I forget about it with the next step.

Yesterday felt like the ice under my feet simply disappeared and I was plunged into the freezing water.

Dr. Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston, has an amazing video in which she illustrates the difference between empathy and sympathy. (If you haven’t seen it, you can watch it here.) In it, she describes how many times people who are showing sympathy draw a nice silver line around another person’s problem or emotion. I think people try to put the silver lining around a person’s problems and emotions for a variety of reasons: they want to “fix” it; they are uncomfortable with the strong emotion of the other person; they don’t understand the intensity of the level of the feeling for the person; or maybe for them, the same situation wouldn’t result in the same feelings or response and so they don’t understand why it’s happening for this other person.

I think that some people accept silver linings because it’s easier than to stay with the current feeling. Or maybe the person having the strong, hard feeling can tell that the other person is uncomfortable with how she’s feeling and wants to help that person feel better. Or maybe it’s because he’s just not ready to deal with the situation or feeling. And sometimes the silver lining puts things in a different perspective for the person and she is ready and able to move on.

I can be a master silver-liner. In most situations, I can find the bright side and do my best to convince the other person to see the pretty silver light. In fact, I do it to myself all the time.

Worn out after a hard day at work? At least I have a job.

Frustrated at the sight of a dirty house that was literally clean five minutes ago? At least I have a house.

Another medical bill in the mail? At least you are able to access healthcare.

Tired of listening to Josie get anxious when she doesn’t have her note saying that I’m going to pick her up at the same time as I always do? At least she is using her words to express her feelings.

Annoyed at the extra time it takes to put Moses’ socks, braces, and shoes on? At least he can walk.

For any hard situation I may be going through, there is always someone who seems to be going through something harder. But does that mean that my situation magically ceases to be hard? Does it become less important?

Many times, it seems that the answer is “yes”. Get over yourself and your “hardship” and be grateful for what you have. Or at least leave it at the door when you leave your home.

Like in Dr. Brown’s video, I feel like the ice I was standing on – ice that I thought was solid – wasn’t so solid after all. As I kept marching forward on my path, my foot hit a weak spot and I fell through. When I hit the water, many of those hard situations and feelings that I thought I had perfectly silver lined were there waiting for me. I’m pretty sure they are what weakened the ice below me in the first place.

I have been silver lining things in my relationships.

I have been silver lining things in my family.

I have been silver lining things in my job.

I have been silver lining things about myself.

Instead of allowing myself to feel the sadness, disappointment, frustration, annoyance, irritation, hurt, etc., I’ve silver lined it, pushed it down, and went on my way. Sometimes the silver lining works, sometimes it doesn’t. When it doesn’t, that feeling lies dormant until the ice cracks and allows it to come to the surface once more.

I took another mental health day today. I felt better than I did yesterday, but I knew that I wasn’t on solid ice just yet. As I was cleaning off my dresser this afternoon, I finally pulled out a bag that has been hiding underneath it for a little over three years.

It’s a bag that I received from the Down Syndrome Association of Greater St. Louis shortly after Moses was born. In it were resources that gave information about Down syndrome, tips for raising a child with Down syndrome, brochures for agencies that provide assistance for kids with Down syndrome, and a couple of books about having a child with Down syndrome.

As I went through the contents, I broke down. Much like I did when I looked at Moses’ first goal report for his IEP.

For three years, I’ve worked really hard at drawing that silver line around the challenges that come with a child with Down syndrome.

He has Down syndrome? At least he’s healthy.

He spent 6 days on a ventilator because of RSV? At least it wasn’t 7 days of watching a machine keep him alive.

He has an ASD in his heart? At least it was able to be repaired by a cardiac catheterization instead of open heart surgery.

He can only recognize and match 10 pictures? At least it’s more than none.

I am fully aware that Moses is doing more physically and cognitively than a lot of other three-year-old kids with Down syndrome. But it’s still hard to see his limitations, especially when it’s in black and white.

As I read through his goals, I was disappointed. I tried to silver line my disappointment with At least he’s making progress.

This place where I’m at is nobody’s fault and it’s not because of one certain thing. It’s a culmination of silver lining my feelings and situations, not taking care of myself consistently, and trying to keep up my facade of strength.

I don’t think that humans were designed to be dismissive of their situations or feelings. I don’t think that humans were designed to be physically or mentally strong all of the time. I think that we were designed to experience life, feel the feelings, rest when we feel weak, and hold others up when we feel strong. And when we find ourselves in that icy water, we can be at peace knowing that God doesn’t want us to stay there and He will help us find our way back to the solid ice.

Giving Up and Giving In: Taking Care of My Mental Health

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When my alarm first went off this morning, my first thought was, “I can’t do this today.” Then I hit the snooze button.

When it went off the second time, I thought to myself, “I can’t do this today. But I have to because I have groups to meet with, students wanting to talk with me, classes to teach, teachers to meet with. I have too much to do, too many people counting on me, so I have to do it.” And then I hit snooze again.

The third time my alarm went off, my thought was, “I can’t do this today. I don’t have it in me to give to others the way they need me today. I’m not okay. But I have to.”

If I were a superwoman, this is where I would tell you about how I got up, showered, put my big girl panties on, and mustered up the strength and energy to face the day.

But I’m not superwoman.

I’m just a human.

The truth is, I hit snooze. Again. And when my alarm went off for the fourth time, I gave up and gave in to the understanding that I wasn’t well enough to go to work today.

At that point I got up and met my husband in the kitchen as he was about to come check on me and tell me how late it was getting. When he saw me, he asked if I was okay, and I told him, “I think I need to take a mental health day.” Then he listened as I stumbled through my thoughts and held me while I cried.

I sent my principals a text saying “So I’m going to take a mental health day today. I can’t really explain it, but I just know that I need to take it.” Thankfully, the only question that was asked was if there was anything they could do to help.

I know that there are some people who don’t understand the concept of taking a mental health day. They are probably the same people who don’t quite understand mental health. They might even be some of the same people who don’t understand taking a physical health day (aka “sick day”). They may believe that unless you’re in the hospital, you should go to work.

We encourage people who are running a fever/throwing up/sending germs into the air with every cough/spreading germs by touching all the things after blowing their green-snotty nose to stay home to get well and keep others from being affected. We understand that when a person pushes himself too much physically when he is sick, it can turn into an illness that is even more serious. That makes sense, right? We understand that, right?

The thing is about understanding when someone is experiencing poor mental health, you don’t have to have experienced it yourself. Just like someone who is physically sick – it’s not about you and how you feel. It’s about understanding that she isn’t well and needs to take steps to get better.

Maybe you’ve never experienced depression, anxiety, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), or compassion fatigue. But it doesn’t mean they aren’t real experiences for others. Perhaps you know what it feels like to be extremely sad, extremely worried, or mentally exhausted after going through a difficult time for you or your family.

For example, I’ve personally never had the flu, but I don’t need to have had the flu to understand that a) it’s real, and b) the person who does have it needs time to rest, recover, and feel strong again. I’m certainly not going to tell a person who has the flu to suck it up, maybe take a nap, and just try to be positive. I wouldn’t do that because I have been sick before and know what it’s like to need to take the time to rest, let my body recover, and regain my physical strength.

Likewise, you don’t need to have experienced a certain state of mental unwellness to be able to understand a) it’s real, and b) the person needs time to rest, recover, and feel (mentally) strong again.

It’s called having empathy.

It’s called having compassion.

Instead of questioning or making judgments about a person who is in poor mental health, just understand that she is not okay. Ask what you can do to help. Send her a message or Bible verse that might bring some peace. Understand that he may just need some time to regain a state of mental strength wellness.

Was it easy to take a mental health day today? No, it wasn’t.

As I sit here typing there’s a part of me that feels guilty that I’m missing work and inconveniencing people even though I’m not running a fever, puking my guts up, hacking up a lung, or blowing my nose a thousand times an hour. Part of me is uncomfortable thinking about people who may not understand or judge me because of this.

But I also know that because I took today to rest, cry, pray, and just let God hold me, tomorrow will be better.

I will be better.

Take care of yourself.